That’s it. That’s the post I never longed to write and hit the publish button.
Before I begin, there are a few things I want to let you know:
1. I am sorry for being away from the blog all these months (the last post was published in August 2018). For several personal reasons I didn’t feel like writing, or dealing with social media, and the main one is the very subject of this post.
2. Even though I want to, I cannot tell you how and when things will go back to normal around here. I guess everything needs its time, and I need some. For this reason, I want to thank all of you who still follows and believe on the blog. I do hope I will be able to continue writing soon, and this post is the first step towards this goal.
3. If you are new here or never read any post related to my Traveling Dog, Enzzo, here you will find a few posts about him. If you still haven’t read the previous post on this blog, Enzzo’s last trip, you can do now, before continuing reading this one.
4. Last but not least, I have to warn you: this will be the saddest post on this blog so far, the most painful and deepest one I ever wrote, and not the happiest text you will read today. If you decide not to continue, trust me, I understand. If you do, you might need some tissues, just like I did while I was writing it.
It has been a month, a whole month since we last saw each other, since we said our goodbyes. People say we forget pain, but I will never forget the pain I felt when I saw you closing your eyes and heard your heart stop beating. For a long and painful moment, I felt like I had nothing inside of me, an emptiness inside my body, and even the lack of voice to be able to scream. Because it hurt, it hurt so much to see you go. I never felt so desperate in my life. A desperation of not being able to do anything to make you stay, because I knew it was time for you to leave.
At the same time, it hurt even more to see you suffering and not being able to do anything to help you. You were a fighter. You fought so much to stay with us, your heart fought until the very last end to keep on beating. I am so grateful for your loyalty, for your friendship, for your kindness, patience and forgiveness. During all the years we spent together you have taught me more than I could ever teach you. You made me a better and stronger person. You took me out of my comfort zone more times than I can count. No one has made me laugh more when all I wanted was to cry. You were my safe haven, because when everything was going wrong and the world was hell, I knew that you were always there for me, no matter what.
Unfortunately, right now, as my life has been turned upside down, you can’t be here to give me the comfort and safety I need. Though deep inside of me, I know you will always be by my side.
The other day I finally found the courage to wash your bed, the one you slept your last night on. I also found strength to pick some of your things and put into a blue box that I will keep with me for the rest of my life. A blue box, the color of friendship, the color of the ocean, your favorite place. A box I will open whenever I want to touch something that once you touched too.
I am sorry that I have been so sad and angry at the world, but this world is just cruel. How can I not be angry that the sun needs to shine again when I know you aren’t here to see it? How can I not be angry at the fact that I need to put your things away because you’re never coming back? How can I not be angry that I still need to walk the streets you once did? How can I not be angry that life must go on without you? Or how can I not be angry that I need to live in a world without you in it? How can I not be angry knowing that our family will always be and feel incomplete without you? How can I not be angry with the fact that I can’t do anything but accept it? Yes, I am angry, but I still can’t seem to find my voice to scream. Maybe one day I will.
There is this song, from my favorite band. Since the first time I listened to its lyrics, I knew it would be my song for you when you were gone. I knew this day would come, I just could never imagine myself in it, but now, this song is all I have to comfort me.
“Well, they say people come
The say people go
This particular diamond was extra special
And though you might be gone, and the world may not know
Still I see you, celestial
And I should but I can’t let you go
But when I’m cold, I’m cold
Yeah, when I’m cold
There’s a light that you give me when I’m in shadow
There’s a feeling within me, an everglow
Like brothers in blood, or sisters who ride
Yeah we swore on that night we’d be friends ’til we die
But the changing of winds, and the way waters flow
Life is short as the falling of snow
And I’m gonna miss you, I know
But when I’m cold, cold
In water rolled, salt
And I know that you’re with me and the way you will show
And you’re with me wherever I go
And you give me this feeling, this everglow
What I wouldn’t give for just a moment to hold
Because, I live for this feeling, this everglow
So if you love someone, you should let them know
Oh, the light that you left me will everglow”
(Everglow, by Coldplay)
My Enzzo, you were incredible. How we’ve grown together. I was 19 years old when I first saw you, you were 2 and half months old. You saw me graduate, twice, you saw me date, marry and have a daughter. You moved continents with me. You lived in 5 different houses in 3 different countries with me. Together we travelled to over 10 countries, by plane, train, boat and car. For you, it didn’t matter where we were or what we did, as long as you were with us.
You were my baby, my first kid, one that I sadly witnessed getting old, one that I wished could stay with me until my last day in this world. But what kind of person would I be if I didn’t let you go? You were the most selfless being I ever met, how could I be selfish with you?
Death is a lonely thing. No one can do it for us. We can be surrounded by thousands of people, but no one can die our death for us, only we can do it. But that’s exactly why I promised you that I would be by your side until your last breath, it was the least and the most I could do. And so I stayed. On the floor, holding you, whispering “I’m here with you” and “you can go now, you’ve accomplished your mission” to you until I heard the last beat of your heart, and your very last breath. It was the most painful silence of all.
A friend once told me “letting go of someone you love is the hardest thing you will ever do. When you do, you are able to face anything in the world”. That’s how I feel now. Fearless, because of the pain of letting you go.
Grief is different for everyone. I don’t know where mine is going to take me, but this is another lesson, the last one, you will teach me. The only thing I know is that I will never be the same person again.
Thank you my fluffy friend, for every single moment we spent together, for everything you taught me, for every swim in the ocean, for every trip, for every night you slept by my side, for our walks and runs, for the company on the lonely days, for the understanding on the difficult moments, for making me smile even after you’re gone. I will keep all of it forever in my mind, and I know you will always be with me wherever I go. I know we will meet again, until then I will be missing you. I love you, my Enzzo.
Farewell, my Traveling Dog.
In memory of Enzzo, September 19th 2007 – April 8th 2019
For those who managed to read until here, thank you. Even though I still can’t scream, at least writing I feel like my voice can be heard.